Letter to the universe

Dear Universe,

I haven’t exactly asked for anything specific lately, or reached out looking for help. I didn’t think I needed to, and I’ve just taken each moment as they come. But you seemed to know what I needed more than I did, as usual, and you provided that to me. I paid attention this time.

Mostly, I’ve been ok. I’m been taking every day as it is, listening to what my body needs and wants and doing my best to just get through each day with a smile and a little bit of progress. I’ve been paying close attention to what’s happening around me, and living in the moment in every way. Mostly, things have been ok.

But there have been moments during some days that I’m not ok. Moments that I just want to cry and collapse and not get up again. Some moments that I DON’T get up again. There are moments that I am angry, frustrated and impatient. These kinds of moments, I’m really not ok.

And every time I’m not ok, something happens that brings me back to being ok. One day, you brought me rain – much needed relief from the heat that was causing a flare of symptoms. Another day, you gave me cucumbers in my garden. Some of those moments are ones that I am able to remind myself that I’m ok, and am able to pull myself back up. And there have been moments that I’ve just allowed everything to be just as it is, in the messy way it needs to be, with the gentle reminder that it’s ok to not be ok. And some of those moments I just need to not be ok….

Today, you brought me people I didn’t know I sorely needed to talk to.

Someone wise and loving advised me to trust the process.

How could I? I have been let down by people so many times before, and I have found it’s so much better to just do things myself. If I’m in control of my life, then I’m the one responsible for what happens.

But what happens when I don’t have control? What then?

Sometimes there are things we can’t control, situations we would never wish for and answers to questions we never asked. The reality is that no one has control, despite wanting to so badly.

Trusting the process involves letting go. Allowing things to be what they are. It is a vulnerability – one of those things I’ve never been good at. For me, it was the realization that the more control I tried to have of my life, the easier it was to lose control, and the more I try to get it back the more I’d fail.

Trust the process…..

I have an impressive list of complaints that I’m tracking closely for my care teams. These complaints are currently in control. The best thing I’ve learned to do is let those symptoms have control, and to do everything I can to reduce them until treatment starts. It’s the best I can do – and in doing my best for myself, I’m doing everything I need to.

And the more I trust the process, the better the Universe seems to respond.

And I am so grateful, for the people, the events and the lessons that keep coming this way. I feel terrible in body, but light in spirit.

I am vibrant, strong and shiny. I’ll get through this, with new lessons and perspectives I would never be able to know otherwise.

I’m ok right now. Tomorrow might be different – or it may be the same, or even better. That’s something to experience tomorrow, though.

Hari Om.

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